I didn’t really think I needed therapy because I thought my state of mind is my husbands’ fault.  HE MADE ME jealous, HE drove me mad, HE was to blame. My screaming and crying were HIS fault, my sleepless nights were HIS fault! I was going crazy with suffering and it was HIS fault.

The day he told me that he feels like he can’t breathe and that we are not in a good place in our relationship and I should go seek help I got so mad that I felt like my heart is exploding. He is to blame and I need therapy? How did that happen?

My hubby saw my reaction and offered we’ll start couples therapy with Carmen, he said he got Carmen’s number from his boss who saw that he was troubled. His boss came to Carmen 10 years ago and in a few months his life changed and since then he every employee that has issues gets referred to her. He didn’t explain to my husband exactly what she does but he said she will tell him what needs to be done in a no BS WAY.

And so we went…

On the phone, Carmen asked us to each make a list of what bothers us in the other person’s behavior (without sharing it prior to our session) and to e-mail her our birth date.

When we arrived she asked me to begin reading my list and wrote everything down. Then she asked my husband to do the same.

Carmen’s take about relationship issues is that we each have individual issues that harm the relationship, and if we solve them, we solve the relationship problem, that is why most of couple therapy is done individually. After that, she started talking about what she called our “basic patterns” the ones we come to this world with. I am not a believer of spirituality, past lives and whatever but I couldn’t help but agree with her on everything she said. It was very strange to me how she knew so much about me, my husband and our individual inner world.

The second session she asked us to do another assignment that had to do with sentences and memories we stored in our brains since childhood and then she gave us a conclusion of what she thought needed to be done as far as the sessions were concerned.

she asked us to start coming separately for a few weeks and in my first session with her alone she opened my eyes to the fact that all the things I was blaming my husband for were things that went on in my head, she continued to show me through those “basic patterns” and the information I gave her from my memories, how my brain creates these stories and why I fall into that lie each time without even blinking.

Taking responsibility for my patterns is an important part of Carmen’s technique, and one thing I can tell you for sure…it was not easy nor fun. But when I finally did it after understanding why I do it and what those jealousy rages were “protecting me” from (Carmen always talks about the fact that all the negative behaviors we have are a part of a “defense mechanism” our brain creates) I managed to see my husband for what he really is, loyal, loving and honest.

Our relationship changed radically and our home became the calm place I always wanted it to be. What amazed me was that when I stopped trying to control my husband through that anger and jealousy and gave him the space to do whatever he wanted…he wanted to stay home more.

Realizing how much of my home’s harmony was up to me was a shock. It lead me to understand how many more things I can change in my life and I continued working on myself with Carmen, amazing myself with the achievements I reached. Becoming my own guru as Carmen calls it, was a very interesting ride and today I know that whatever I want to achieve is up to me.

BTW, my husband did the same and today he is his own boss.